5 things to consider before becoming a surrogate
If you are thinking of becoming a surrogate, being well prepared is key. Surrogacy will change your life as well as that of the parents you help. It is a fantastic but long journey that will take you on a rollercoaster of emotions, and you won’t know at the start exactly where it will lead you and your family.
Here’s 5 things to consider if you are thinking of being a surrogate, followed by some common questions.
1. Your health and well being
Being fit and healthy emotionally, physically and mentally are key ingredients to becoming a surrogate. Our guidelines include:
- Your age – you should (usually) be over 21; some clinics will require further medical screening for surrogates who are over 35.
- BMI – you should be within a healthy range for your height and weight.
- Previous pregnancies – you should have completed your own family, or carried at least one successful pregnancy to term and delivery.
- Mental wellbeing – it is good to speak to a counsellor so you are totally prepared for the impact that surrogacy will have and sure it will not adversely affect you.
Similarly you will need insight into the medical steps involved, the medication that you may need to take and the ways in which babies are created beyond natural conception!
2. Your support network
Having friends and family around you to support and love you at any time of your life is important and that is even more important during surrogacy. There will be times when your hormones might make you laugh or cry or you will be tired – you need people around you who care and understand you. There will be a team of clinicians and professionals, and of course your intended parents will be there, but there’s nothing like someone who is in this with you and you can call when you are feeling tired and need your feet rubbed or if you feel the first kick at 3am!
You might also need to deal with people who don’t quite ‘get’ surrogacy. Some might make some awkward (and personal!) comments. Give some thought to how you might respond and how you can help those around you to understand that what you are planning to do is amazing!
However independent you may be, the support of a partner or close friend or family member will be invaluable throughout your journey – these people are often the unsung heroes of surrogacy.
3. Your relationship with your intended parents
Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and they have to grow organically. Thinking about the truly great relationships you have in your life is a good benchmark for the kind of relationship you would like with your intended parents. Your relationship should be a strong one, based on honesty and trust.
Give some thought to how often you would ideally like to meet up with your intended parents – would you prefer to keep in touch through phone calls, texts and Skype? Would you like them to attend scans and appointments with you? Also give some thought to how involved you would like them to be with your own children and other family members.
You can’t predict the future of course, but it is also good to think about how much contact you would like to have with your intended parents, and any children that you carry, after the birth.
4. Expenses
Money – no one likes to talk about it especially amongst friends. But you will have some expenses during any pregnancy and a surrogacy is no different. Your intended parents will NOT want you to be out of pocket so it is really helpful for you to have an idea of what your expenses are likely to be, so that your intended parents can plan for this.
It is a popular misconception that there is a fixed amount (often said to be £15,000) which is the accepted figure for surrogates to receive in the UK. In fact, most UK surrogates work within the framework of being paid ‘reasonable expenses’ but what is reasonable depends on the specifics of your situation; there are no set rules. The amount varies depending on your needs and circumstances, and is personal to every arrangement.
As a surrogate you can expect to be reimbursed for your expenses including travel costs, treatment costs, maternity clothes, childcare costs and any loss of earnings that you or your partner incurs. This might be agreed as a lump sum (and £12,000 to £15,000 is often the overall amount agreed) or paid for individually.
5. Your legal position
Regardless of whether you are genetically related to the child you carry, as a surrogate you will be the legal mother when the baby is born. But this can be sorted so that the right parents are on the birth certificate and all your responsibilities are completely extinguished. This happens through a court process called a Parental Order. There is legal information for surrogates on our sister organisation NGA Law’s page: Surrogacy law for surrogates.
Remember that your intended parents want more than anything to have a baby that is completely and wholly theirs so will be as keen as you to get this bit sorted.
This list isn’t exhaustive and there are still lots of other things to think about, but it’s a great place to start! If you decide to become a BB surrogate, then we will be by your side to make sure you have what you need before, during and after your surrogacy.
Questions to ask yourself if you are thinking of being a surrogate
It takes a special kind of woman to even consider becoming a surrogate. A lot of women know that they want to help others who can’t carry a child for whatever reason, but don’t know whether they would be able to, what to consider, or how to get started.
What kind of surrogate do I want to be?
There are two types of surrogacy. Gestational surrogacy is where you would carry a baby that is not genetically linked to you. Treatment would take place at a licensed fertility clinic and an embryo that has been created with the sperm and egg of the intended parents (or donated egg or sperm) is transferred into your womb. Traditional surrogacy is where you would carry a baby that has been conceived using your own egg. Treatment can take place at a licensed fertility clinic, or insemination can be carried out at home without a clinical professional.
Both types of surrogacy are legal and it is important you think carefully about which you think feels right for you. A lot of women feel that they would only want to consider one type, but many women are open to either. A surrogate is viewed as the legal mother in UK law, and her spouse as the second parent if she is married. The intended parents won’t have legal responsibility for their child until a Parental Order has been granted, so there is a solution to this, but the IPs can’t apply for this until after the baby is born.
Am I able to be a surrogate?
There are no legal “requirements” for being a surrogate (either gestational or traditional), but there are some important practical things to ask yourself to help ensure that your physical health and mental wellbeing are not compromised by becoming pregnant.
Check out the list above for criteria to get in touch to speak to a surrogate manager.
Am I mentally and emotionally prepared for this?
It is important to be sure that you are able to manage the often unpredictable emotions that you may face during a surrogacy journey. Are you taking medication that you may need to stop in order to undergo fertility treatment and pregnancy? Do you have the right support around you? Most UK clinics have mandatory counselling sessions that will explore the emotional impact that surrogacy can have on you and your family, but it is advisable to have explored this before you get to that stage. Seeking independent advice from a counsellor or psychologist can really help.
Am I physically fit enough?
Pregnancy can pose a number of risks, so talk to your GP about your hopes to become a surrogate and make sure they don’t have any concerns with your ability to carry a pregnancy safely. Most UK clinics will require you to have a BMI that is within a healthy range for your height and weight (around 19 – 30) so if you have any concerns about falling either below or above this range, consider how you might adapt your lifestyle.
Can I carry a pregnancy?
You don’t have to have had children of your own to become a surrogate (although this is a requirement for Brilliant Beginnings Surrogates) but if you haven’t already carried a pregnancy, you won’t know how you are likely to respond to pregnancy, physically and emotionally. Any pregnancy carries risk to future fertility, so make sure you are content with the possibility that your fertility may be impacted if something were to go wrong.
Will my family and friends support me?
Having a strong support network of friends and family who fully support your decision to become a surrogate is incredibly important. Surrogacy is not a journey that you can do alone – it will impact everyone in your life to a degree, so it is crucial that those close to you will be there for you during the highs and lows of your journey. Many will have questions, so it will help you to be as informed and prepared as possible when speaking to them.
What are my deal breakers?
However you find intended parents to help, you should make sure you are clear on what your deal breakers are. For example, what kind of relationship would you hope to have with your intended parents during the journey (and beyond)? What are your views on the emotive topics such as amniocentesis and termination? It is important that you are clear on what you feel would be a red line for you, because if the intended parents you are thinking of helping don’t have the same hopes and expectations as you, things could unravel further down the line.
I’m ready to take the next step, what do I do?
There are different ways to become a surrogate in the UK. It is important that you find a way that feels right for you and your family, that fits well in to your life and that you feel will offer you the resources and support that you need.
Some women might choose an “independent journey” where they will gain much of their information and support from informally run Facebook groups and websites, where they will meet intended parents online or at social gatherings organised by independent groups
Others feel more comfortable having the support of an organisation that will provide them with information and support they need. Surrogacy organisations can also act as an intermediary between surrogates and intended parents, helping them to raise tricky conversations and resolve problems before they become insurmountable. Because surrogacy arrangements in the UK are largely based on trust, often between people who don’t already have existing relationships, having an organisation to help you navigate the complex emotions and potential difficulties can help everyone feel more secure.
Brilliant Beginnings is the only UK surrogacy organisation to offer a surrogacy agency service, which matches you with intended parents and supports you through every step of the journey. Our goal is to give you exceptional support.
We would love to hear from you and to tell you more about our growing team of inspirational women and their supporters.
