Caring for a surrogate in the US

Intended parents may feel at the outset of their journey that they will be distant from a surrogate pregnancy in the US. In fact it’s common for international parents and US surrogates to form close bonds, whether the relationship feels more like a productive collaboration or a deeper friendship, and it is critical that intended parents support their surrogate well. Here are our tips for intended parents on how to care for their US surrogate.

Communicate well

Effective communication is essential. It is helpful to establish a communication routine that works, bearing in mind the time differences (at least 5-8 hours between the US and the UK, different if the intended parents live elsewhere). Many teams use online tools like Whatsapp groups, FaceTime and Zoom to be able to both send quick updates and spending longer talking to each other. It’s also good to be mindful of cultural differences, for example understanding differing approaches to healthcare in different countries.

Leverage the agency’s expertise

The US surrogacy agency has an important role in supporting logistics and providing emotional and practical support to both surrogates and intended parents. Leaning on them to handle the administrative tasks can help surrogates and intended parents to focus on their relationship. For example the agency will typically authorise payments to made to the surrogate from the escrow account, and it’s important to make sure this happens promptly to reduce stress for the surrogate.

Agencies will also often help support intended parents in caring for their surrogates, for example by arranging gifts to acknowledge the surrogate’s children’s birthdays, arranging treats like pregnancy massages and checking in regularly. Little gestures often help intended parents to show how much they care and appreciate their surrogate.

Be present but respect boundaries

The distance does not mean that intended parents cannot be involved in the pregnancy. It’s usually possible to attend important medical appointments virtually, although many intended parents also travel to the US for key scans too. At the same time, it’s important for intended parents to respect their surrogate’s autonomy and decision-making.

Be thoughtful post-birth

A surrogacy journey doesn’t end at birth, and it’s important for intended parents to express their gratitude, facilitate recovery and help support emotional closure for their surrogate and her children. What this looks like will be personal to every team, but it might include heartfelt letters and gifts, facilitating a surrogate’s children seeing the family they have helped create, and making sure the agency provides all necessary post-birth support. Many teams stay in touch long term too.