How do I care for my surrogate in the UK?

A lot of intended parents worry at the start of their journey about how best to care for their surrogate – not feeling that they are being overbearing or intruding on her life and time with her family, but also making sure that she feels valued for what she is doing and going through.

Once you are matched with a surrogate, whether a friend, family member, someone you met independently or via a surrogacy organisation, you should spend time investing in your relationship and building the best foundations. It will help you know the best ways to support your surrogate (and she you) throughout your journey together.

How to care for a surrogate before treatment

Spend some time getting to know each other

Spend time with your surrogate, especially if she isn’t an existing friend or family member, in the early stages. Talk to her about her hopes, not just for your surrogacy journey but also get to know her as a person. What things does she like, what does she do in her spare time and with her family, what are her plans for after your surrogacy journey?

Getting to know your surrogate at a personal level will help you feel better connected and will enable you to discuss the more difficult things or complexities you face in your journey together at a later stage.

Set expectations on how you all plan to communicate

It is important to set expectations early on in your relationship about when and how you will communicate during the surrogacy process. This works differently for every team, and it is important to find what you are all comfortable with.

Some teams set aside a regular time every week for a video call or get together. What you talk about doesn’t necessarily need to be about the surrogacy journey, but life in general.

For others, speaking only once a week isn’t enough and you may prefer to check in on a more regular, but ad hoc, basis. You might reach out when something important or special has happened, you have visited a new place, or to share things as you would with a friend.

Making time for each other and knowing everyone’s expectations will help set the tone of your relationship from the beginning. If you are working with Brilliant Beginnings, we will support you all with working this through, both as part of your match and afterwards.

Meet up in-person, when you can, outside of appointments

If you aren’t too far away from each other, then meeting up regularly for lunch or a coffee is always a good way to check in and shown your surrogate how much you appreciate what she is doing.

If you are further apart, then meeting halfway between your homes could be a way to spend time together without too much travel. Spending time outside of surrogacy/medical appointments and talking about life in general will help to strengthen your relationship.

Caring for your surrogate during treatment and pregnancy

Be aware of your surrogate’s appointments

You should always be aware of any appointments your surrogate has coming up, especially if you aren’t needed or are unable to attend as well. Where possible, check in with her ahead of the appointment; is she worried or anxious, are you able to help by finding out any information ahead of time to alleviate any worries she has, how else can you support her?

Once your surrogate has attended the appointment, check in with her and show you are genuinely interested and want to help if there is anything she needs to do to follow up or if you can do anything on her behalf.

While going through treatment, the hormone medication that your surrogate takes may affect her. For some surrogates there are no side effects, but others feel the effects of the medication. Make sure to check in with your surrogate and see how she is feeling and if there is anything that you can do to support her through it. Just knowing that you are thinking about her will mean a lot.

Support on meal preparation or with takeaways

There may be times in early or late pregnancy where a surrogate may find it more difficult to cook or prepare meals for her family (if this is something she normally does at home). If you are able to support with her meal preparation, either through takeaways, meals sent to her door through subscriptions, or having someone else cook for her, you will alleviate some of the pressure on her and make sure that her family is still being well taken care of.

If you are working with Brilliant Beginnings, your client manager will help you navigate these issues as they arise at each step of the process, as well as helping you to anticipate as much as possible.

How to care for your surrogate following the birth

It is only natural for communication between intended parents and the surrogate to decrease once your baby has arrived. You will be getting used to being parents and your surrogate will be concentrating on her own recovery and her family too. During this time your surrogate will appreciate you checking in on her and making sure that she is OK. She will of course love to hear about how your baby is doing, but it is good to keep some of the focus on her. Asking how she is doing and showing appreciation for what she has been through will be hugely appreciated.

If you are working with Brilliant Beginnings, we will also be there to support your surrogate and make sure she is recovering well after the birth, with regular check-ins, and access to professional counselling which we will arrange too.

We often get asked what kind of gifts intended parents typically send their surrogate after the birth. This really does differ from team to team. Some surrogates appreciate a few home-cooked meals, so that the pressure is taken off of them allowing them to recover, others may like to feel pampered, a massage, facial or hamper of goodies, something to help them recover and make them feel special. Others will appreciate something heartfelt, perhaps a keepsake to mark what you have all been through and what you have all achieved. There really is no right or wrong answer.

UK surrogacy is about care, respect and support

Surrogacy is typically a rewarding experience for surrogates, but it is not easy, and it involves huge time, effort and commitment. Every surrogacy journey has ups and downs, and it is important you support your surrogate with care and sensitivity. By building a good foundation with your surrogate and communicating with her regularly, you will be able to tell if she is doing OK. Small gifts may help to cheer her up and make her feel a bit better. These could be a bar of chocolate or other favourite treat, some flowers or just a card. It doesn’t have to be something big and expensive; it really is the thought that counts and showing that you appreciate her. Checking in regularly and asking how your surrogate is as well as the pregnancy will show that you are interested in her as a person and not just the surrogacy journey.

Caring for your surrogate doesn’t mean showering her with gifts, but being aware of what she is going through, being there to support her through and trying to make things as easy as possible for her family while she is attempting to give you the most precious gift of all.