My surrogate in the US is pregnant – will I feel connected to the pregnancy?

Getting to the stage of your surrogate in the US being pregnant is incredibly exciting, but it can also feel daunting if you are unsure about how connected you will feel with the pregnancy so far away. Here are some tips to help you feel as connected as possible.

Establish a good relationship with your surrogate from the beginning

How the relationship with your surrogate in the US develops often depends on how well you have been matched. The agencies that BB work with on our US Surrogacy Pathway will take into consideration your preferences, communication style, relationship expectations and values before presenting you with a potential surrogate match.

Being well matched encourages a natural relationship to develop that doesn’t feel forced, works for both of you and is more likely to remain consistent throughout the pregnancy. If you and your surrogate feel bonded with each other, it is far more likely that you will feel naturally connected to the pregnancy that she is carrying for you.

Take a proactive interest in understanding what your surrogate is going through during pregnancy

Your surrogate will undergo various appointments and scans during the pregnancy, and it is good for you to have an awareness of what they are. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists website is a good resource for understanding the standard ultrasounds that are given to pregnant women in the US, as there are a few differences to the NHS in the UK.

It is also a good idea to ask your surrogate to let her OBGYN know that she is happy for them to share relevant information about the pregnancy with you. She may have to sign a few consent forms for this to happen, but it is a worthwhile step to make sure you have a point of contact with a medical professional when she graduates from the care of your fertility clinic.

Some other tips to help you stay connected during the pregnancy are:

• Download a pregnancy app to keep track of your baby’s development – it is good knowing what’s happening with your baby’s development, and how big they are (often compared to various fruits!).
• Keep in regular communication with your surrogate so she feels comfortable sharing relevant developments during the pregnancy. She is giving you the most enormous gift and it’s important she feels valued and appreciated.
• Encourage your surrogate to share her symptoms with you –good and bad! If she is struggling with symptoms or having cravings, for example, you can respond by sending her a care package, or even something as simple as a handwritten card to show that you are thinking of her.
• Attend as many appointments as possible, virtually or in person if you can. Most surrogates and OBGYNs are happy for intended parents to attend appointments virtually via video call and this is a great opportunity for you to ask questions directly and hear information about your baby first hand.

Prepare for your baby’s arrival

Start nesting

Getting your nursery at home ready, buying clothes, toys, books, a pram and a cot ready for when you get home is an important part of preparing for parenthood. Even though you will be in the US for a couple of weeks post birth, knowing that you have everything ready for when you come home will help you. You can also share what you are doing with your surrogate to help her see the home for the baby she is carrying, and how loved they are already.

Birth planning

Being involved in birth planning conversations with your surrogate is important to make sure that your wishes are communicated to the team that will be supporting you all at the birth. Spend some time thinking about what the ideal birth experience looks like for you and make shared decisions with your surrogate to plan for a birth that accounts for both of your hopes and expectations as much as possible.

Introduce baby to your voice

Babies can hear muted sounds from outside the womb from around 15 weeks of pregnancy, and in the last trimester start to recognise familiar sounds and voices. A great way for your baby to get used to hearing your voice is to send your surrogate some belly buds which are little headphones that she can place on the bump and play recordings through. Most belly buds come with an app that you can both download so that you can add recordings of yourself reading stories, singing or just chatting to baby and your surrogate can then access them and play them to your baby.

The birth

Through the BB US Surrogacy Pathway, your US agency will make sure that your surrogate has access to a delivery hospital that has experience of looking after surrogacy teams. Assuming everything goes to plan on the day, there is every chance that the plans you and your surrogate put together will be accommodated.

Being present for the birth is an absolute must! In most cases, your baby will be given straight to you for that all important skin to skin contact and first cuddle, which is something that you do not want to miss. Make sure you have planned for the “golden hour” post-birth to be in a calm and relaxed environment with the opportunity for you to soak up those precious first moments like giving baby their first feed.

Also make sure you have discussed with your surrogate what her care and support will look like both during and after birth. She may want to be supported by her partner, or a friend or family member and it is important that you have discussed how and when she will meet the baby that she has carried for you. Most surrogates will want to see you holding your baby from the moment they are born, and will completely understand the importance of you having time with your newborn straight away, but most love to have a cuddle and say hello properly once she has had time to rest after the birth.

Lean on support offered by BB and your US surrogacy agency

Your BB client manager will give you support and guidance throughout your journey, drawing on their years of experience of working with parents whose babies are being born in the US, and the unique challenges this can bring. The agencies that BB work with on our US Surrogacy Pathway are also very hands on with the support they offer to both intended parents and surrogates in the US.

It is important that you share your worries, concerns and questions with both your BB client manager and your US agency, and lean on them to support you at any stage of the pregnancy, so that you never feel you are doing this alone.

See our website for more information about the Brilliant Beginnings US Surrogacy Pathway, or if you would like to speak with one of our client managers you can arrange a free 30 minute consultation to discuss your specific journey and how we can help.