Talking to your children about being a surrogate

Making sure you help your children to understand surrogacy is an important part of any plans to become a surrogate. Being open with your children and giving them the opportunity to ask questions is key, although when and how you do that will depend on your family as well as how old your children are.

For many surrogates, your motivation might encompass being a positive role-model for your children and being able to demonstrate how helping others can change lives. If your children understand what you are doing and why, they are likely to feel proud of you and will understand if, for a short period of time, you are less energetic than you usually are. You may even find that they proudly tell strangers that the baby you are carrying isn’t their brother or sister.

When do I tell my children that I am going to be a surrogate?

There is no right or wrong answer, you know your child and will know when the best time is to start speaking to them about your surrogacy plans. Younger children may be able to understand more once there are physical signs, like a baby bump, while older children can understand the concept of carrying a baby for someone else even before.

With young children, our advice would be to open a discussion around babies, explaining that some parents are not able to carry babies in their tummy, and that sometimes other women help by carrying their babies for them, looking after the babies until they are ready to go home with their mummy and daddy or daddies.

With older children, you may want to go into more detail about the mechanics of the surrogacy process and why intended parents may need your help.

You should encourage your children to ask questions to aid their understanding of the process. By introducing the idea of surrogacy to them early on, you give them time to process the information and then come to you when they are ready to find out more. Some children may take it in their stride and not ask anything more, others may have more questions.

Some surrogates do prefer to wait until they have been matched with intended parents before sharing this with their children so that they can explain in more detail what they are doing and who they are actually helping. This can also help with a child’s understanding too.

Should my children meet the intended parents?

Allowing your children to get to know the intended parents you are helping when the time is right and understanding that any baby that you carry is theirs and will be going to live with them after he or she is born is something that will enrich all your lives if it is managed well.

Usually this happens naturally as you start getting to know and bond with your intended parents. Having time to get to know the intended parents will help your children to feel a part of your journey and be able to form their own bond with them too.

What else can I do to support them?

Speaking to your child’s school or nursery is recommended so that the staff and teachers understand what you are doing and can support your child in school as well as other children and parents that your child may share any news or updates with.

Your child may ask questions at school and so letting them know your plans will mean that they can support your child but also let you know if your child does have questions too.

How can I help my child’s understanding after the baby is born?

Explaining to your child early on and throughout the pregnancy that you are carrying and growing a baby for the intended parents will start to help them understand that you won’t be taking baby home.

Once the baby does arrive, we suggest that your own children see the baby with their parents as early on as you are comfortable with so that they can see that the baby has arrived, that they are healthy and that they are with their parents.

They will also want reassurance from you that everything is OK and that you are happy for the baby to be with their parents. There will be less worry for your child about where the baby has gone if they can see them for themselves.